Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Turns Out

Turns out that the preschool teacher is concerned about Aidan's shyness. Painful shyness.
Turns out that her lack of participation in group, not wanting eyes to be on her is the shyness.
Turns out that as a teacher I am rethinking the word participate, when kids do or don't, what it means to be an observer.
Turns out that I didn't know much about the 'shyness', this not her way at home, with most people we know.
Turns out that she likes school, talks about school and is engaged in school--as an observer.
Turns out that I'm rewondering about kindergarten next year, the size of the school, the ride on the bus, her age.
Turns out that I've called principals for change of district forms, added our name to a list.
Turns out that I've called teachers, parents who have shy kids, kids young for their grade.
Turns out that I'm terrified of being at home with three small children.
Turns out that money is an issue.
Turns out that mental health is an issue.
Turns out that I can't sleep.
Turns out that I am as worried and neurotic as I thought.
Turns out that this might be my way of understanding my child's pain and sadness, of showing love. Fierce love.
Turns out that "It will be o.k." doesn't help.
Turns out that I'm not prepared for this.
Turns out that I wonder when I will be.

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