Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Have a Wonderful Day

Hello.

Hello. Is this the Cunningham residence?

Yes. (in the tone I use when I'm about to be sold something by someone and like this: a yeee (lean on the e) s (enunciated)

This is Sister Peterson from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We are offering you something special. We'll send you a copy of our Ensign Magazine for free. Are you interested?

How did you get my number?

Aren't you a member?

If I were ever a member, I'm not anymore and could you please remove my name from any lists that you have?

Are you saying that you don't want the free magazine that I'm offering you?

I don't want to be rude, but people need to stop calling me. I don't want to receive these calls anymore. How do I remove my name?

Well.... (pause, pause). (Very helpful, very nice tone). There is an LDS church in your area. You could find the church and call the bishop.

Call the bishop?

Yes. Call the bishop.

(chuckle, chuckle) O.k then. Goodbye. (tone: As soon as I get off of the phone I'll look through the phonebook until I find a number for my local Mormon church. If I can't find a number I'll call information. I might have to make a few phone calls and talk with a few people about why I want my name removed. Then when I do find the bishop, the MAN who oversees my ward (geographical grouping of people), and if I make it this far without giving up, I'll talk with him about exactly why I don't want my name on any list anymore...but while I'm doing this I'll decide that Mormon people are so nice and that I miss hypocrisy and Jell-O and bad metaphors and God so much that I'll forget why I was calling in the first place and I'll return to the flock in time to have a Merry Christmas).

Goodbye. And have a wonderful day.

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